Day One

Today is officially day one. Numero uno.

I have been sober from alcohol, narcotics and cocaine for seven months and four days.

I quit using illicit drugs. Then, I stopped drinking. Finally, I stopped abusing prescription pills.

But as of 8p this evening, I will be sober from diet pills for 24 hours. One day. Sober sober.

--

I don't know if anyone writes "diet pills" and "sober" in the same sentence, but I figure this sobriety might be just as hard (if not harder?) than "quitting" any of the above mentioned addictions.

--

As is true with many women (and men), I have had issues with body image, weight and my own/other people's perceptions of me/my body since childhood. For various reasons (we all have our own stories).

Like many of you, I've also battled myriad eating disorders, most often a form of ED-NOS that tried to pass as shiny, sparkly and worthwhile. Purging + restricting = NOT worthwhile.

I still haven't thrown out my scale, although two days ago I slid it to the very back of my closet with a sticky note: "This never does you any good. Ever."

--

I'm pretty sure that my stupid "natural" diet pills didn't do a damn thing. Logically, I know this. But today, two meals down without them, I feel panicked.

I'm getting fat.

My face is chubbier.

Are my thighs touching?

I'm supposed to be working right now. But instead, I find my fingers drifting from the keyboard and onto various parts of my body, inspecting.

When your fingers are poised for this sort of discovery mission, they will always, I mean ALWAYS find something.

--

So, day one sucks.

And honestly, I'm not sure yet if it sucks more or less than the side effects of those damn pills, my obsession with taking them, or my preoccupation with their promise of thinness, but I'm ready to find out.

--

Nothing wrong with trying. In the past, leaving addiction behind has only steered me toward a more beautiful, meaningful and peaceful life.

I'm game. Onward...